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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties ...
The first man had married a woman from California, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Arkansas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
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Here is today's CleanPun.
I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota.
Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base. One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to the flight line with instruments.
One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered conference. When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled. There was no arriving general. We had almost played for the weather forecast.
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If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly:
at 45 mph.... "God Will Take Care of Me"
at 55 mph.... "Guide me, O Great Jehovah"
at 65 mph.... "Nearer My God to Thee"
at 75 mph.... "Nearer Still Nearer"
at 85 mph.... "This World is Not My Home"
at 95 mph.... "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
at 100 mph.... "Precious Memories"
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Gender of Inanimate Objects
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Why???
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Daddy...
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
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Thanks to CRJ: Grandpa’s Wisdom On Marriage
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept.
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
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A Prayer...
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear.
Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. Amen