hUMOR For Aug 24th

Weird News

Globe-trotting lawn gnome arrives home

GLOUCESTER, England (UPI) -- An English couple said a 10-inch gnome statue that disappeared from their home has returned with photos of its travels in 12 countries.

Eve and Derrick Stuart-Kelso of Gloucester said they assumed the 8-pound leprechaun with a green hat had been stolen 11 months ago by college students and would never be seen again. To their surprise, the missing lawn ornament reappeared on their doorstep Thursday with pictures showing it in front of the Sydney Opera House in Australia, swimming in the Great Barrier Reef, atop a glacier in New Zealand, touring the ruins of Cambodia's Angkor Wat temple and visiting other exotic locations, the Daily Mail reported.

The photo album was accompanied by a note that claimed to be from the gnome explaining its world tour was a result of "itchy feet."

"I came to the conclusion that the world is a big place and there is more to life than watching the daily commuter traffic, and allowing passing cats to urinate on you," the note said. "So I decided to free myself from the doldrums of the shire and seek adventure. My travels have taken me across three continents, 12 countries and more time zones than I can possibly remember."

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Student sets juggling record

DALLAS (UPI) -- A 22-year-old Dallas college student has set a world record by juggling three tennis balls for more than 12 hours without stopping.

David Slick, a student at Dallas Baptist University, juggled the tennis balls for 12 hours, 12 minutes and 12 seconds, besting the previous record of 11 hours and four minutes, the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram reported.

"I knew I could do it. I knew it would be hard. But I knew it would be worth it," he said.

Slick, whose name will be printed in the "Juggling Three Objects Nonstop" category of the Guinness Book of World Records, said he practiced in his dorm room for his record attempt.

"You wouldn't believe how sore you could get just throwing some tennis balls up in the air," he said.

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Cubs fan, 104, seeks to throw first pitch

CHICAGO (UPI) -- A 104-year-old diehard Chicago Cubs fan said he is lobbying the team to allow him to throw out the first pitch at a game during the team's expected playoff run.

Leo Hildebrand, who lives in the Chicago suburb of Bensenville, said he attempted to get a slot throwing out the first pitch during last year's season, but team officials told him all slots had been filled, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

Now, he said, he is focusing on the upcoming playoff possibilities for his first trip to the pitcher's mound.

"He can't wait much longer," said Hildebrand's daughter, Arlene Burm, 69.

Cubs spokesman Jason Carr said the ball club gives ample consideration to all first-pitch requests, but there are only so many games each season and not every request can be filled.

"Due to the large number of requests and suggestions, and given the limited opportunities, it's difficult to accommodate everyone," Carr said. "We have so many deserving fans -- including Leo Hildebrand -- but can't get to them all."

In the meantime, Hildebrand said, he will continue to practice his fastball and sidearm in front of his home.

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Kiwi cops decry parking meter peeing

NAPIER, New Zealand (UPI) -- Police in New Zealand say they captured video of a suspect urinating on a parking meter that has been repeatedly drenched in the liquid human waste.

Napier police investigators said they placed a hidden camera near the pay-and-display parking meter on the parking garage's second-floor, which cannot be seen from the street level, after city parking staff complained it had been soaked at least four times in the past year, The Dominion Post reported.

Police Detective Daryl Moore said officers are hoping members of the public will recognize the man from the video.

"He pees up the air in a big arc so it goes in the coin slot and out the hole where people collect their tickets. It's absolutely disgusting," he said.

Council regulatory services manager Mike Webster said the same suspect is probably responsible for all of the bladder-emptying incidents and gave a very general description of the man.

"It's obviously a male without prostate issues," he said.

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Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about

poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a

wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for

the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick

girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for

the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once

I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are

sending me for participating in their special e-mail

program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214

angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has

granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually

horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I

smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get

answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and

make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because

it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to

watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back

seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who

make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under

God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it

causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water

in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,

disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I

could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug

me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they

are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't

support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to

dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls

to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I

now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because

a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to

cause me instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00

in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a

molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from

certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in

the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on

your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12

camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy

hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to

a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's

second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from

Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people

with insufficient brain activity read their email with their

hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.