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PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a
congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would
have something negative to say. It didn't matter what
the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon
I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call
that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest
nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders
and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some
negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he
repeats from other people..."
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FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with
the times, removed the paper towel racks in their
bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one
of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a
brief recorded message from our preacher."
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WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up
and was looking through the paper, reading the death
notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He
thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said,
"Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death
notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling
from?"
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Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
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CleanQuote.
"[Arnold Schwarzenegger and I] both married above ourselves, we both have trouble with the English language, we both have big biceps -- well, two out of three aren't bad." - George W. Bush
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Scout Letter from Camp:
Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us all write to our parents in
case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK.
Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed
away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it
happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell
her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I
got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark
if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell
him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't
hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire,
the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't
burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our
clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets
the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.
The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb
said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He
doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot,
sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the highway
patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a
good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to
drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain
roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks
and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb
wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us
take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You
can still see some of the trees under the water from
the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we
are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what?
We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When
Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see
how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.
Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food
poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got
sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm
so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said
he sure figured out how to get things done better
while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our
letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine. Love, Cole
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A priest is walking down the street one day when he
notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the boy is very
small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the
priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps
smartly across the street, walks up behind the little
fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's
shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
The boy replies, "Now we run!"