My Way or the Highway
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
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Hurts All Over
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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Used Heart
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "The attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
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Programmer's Cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
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How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood"
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
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John was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'
The next morning John got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
John has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him .
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"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He
said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for
you.'" -Jay Leno
***
"There was a story on 60 Minutes last night that said the
happiest people on earth are not Americans. The Danish are
the happiest people! I'm not surprised — they make Legos
in
***
"The
350 new workers to clean up the subway. So this brings the
number of workers cleaning the subway to 350." -Conan O'Brien
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Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school
any more. Following are actual answers from students on
music tests...
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was
called pre-Madonna.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the
same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-
actly what they sounded like because there are no known
descendants.
- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze
Lullaby, the Taco
Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's
Blue.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a
duel; if they sing without music it is called
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the
Hatfields and the McCoys.
- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-
positions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano
concerti.
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While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to
him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little
abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.
One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL"
(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that
the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read
this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't
stick--resealed in
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman
"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity,
"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman
"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the
"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman
"I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well." --Jimmy Kimmel