CleanLaugh - "Kiss Good-bye"
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
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CleanQuote
"If you done it, it ain't bragging."
- Walt Whitman
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"Marriage Tension"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure-out just what to do about it.
In the course of our conversation, I happened to mention to him that: "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives."
My friend looked at me kind-a funny and said, "Wow! I didn't know God used that kind of language!"
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Unpaid Bill
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
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An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought.
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My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led
us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs
and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other
side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked,
"Did I get it all?"
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One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."
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"Rose Plague"
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."