Wednesday, January 18, 2006

hUMOR For Jan. 18th

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"Apology Letter"
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
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Today's Quote
Ok, you got me (not that I did it on purpose)! Yes, the Anglican Church was not around in the 1100's so there is no way that Saturday's quote is from the tomb of an Anglican Bishop from the 1100's. Here's hoping that James Garfield is actually the 20th President of the USA!
"There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck or running a business or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- James A. Garfield, 20th.President of the U.S.A.
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"Honesty In Business"
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr.
Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the
early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student,
but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she
spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My
Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.

Received from Tim Krell.
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HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Editor's Note:
This one is only funny if you TELL it to your family
members, not if you try it...)

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
andbleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..

8. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what
The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools:
WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
duct tape.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and
friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan.

12. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we
give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of
our mind"
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Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If
They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors" (sorry...ts)

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."

8 dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!,
I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......

20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy...
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Thanks to marti -- Plane Stuff

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit
back and relax - OH, MY!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"

*****

On a Valu-Jet flight: "Sorry for the delay, but the
machine that rips the handles off your luggage is down
and we are having it repaired.

*****

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After
an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took
us awhile to find a new pilot."