Finish What You Start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
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Emotional Extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
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Things You Never Hear in Church
- Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
- I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
- Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
- I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
- I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
- Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
- I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
- Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
- Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the
- Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
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Three Dogs
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to
be the one to reach her first, but they end up arriving in
front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three
suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first
one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in
an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says,
"I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," says the poodle. "That shows no
imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the
tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you
do?"
"Um ... I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the golden
retriever.
"My, my," says the poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's
just as dumb as the lab's sentence." She then turns to the
last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little
guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and
finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile
and a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab,
and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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Locate the Road
A friend and I were driving in the country looking for an address. We
found the town, but we couldn't locate the road.
We drove to the police station. They'd never heard of the road. Neither
had the Fire Department. We went to City Hall, where a community get-
together was going on. We consulted a map, with no luck, until finally
we happened to ask one young man who knew exactly where the street was.
He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there.
I said, "Thank you. Are you with the Police? Or the Fire Department?"
"Neither. I deliver pizzas."
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The Game Warden
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running
through the woods and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.
After about a half mile the boy stopped and stooped over with his
hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally
caught up to him. "Lets see your fishing license!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the young man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game
Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a
box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young man, "but my friend back there, well,
he don't have one..."
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Weird News
Upper Deck unveils presidential race cards
The cards, which Upper Deck said will be inserted at random into packets of its 2008 baseball-card series, include a card depicting Hillary Clinton, who exited the race during the weekend, lifting presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama in celebration, the New York Post reported.
Also included is a card depicting Sen. Obama,
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McDonald's workers catch chicken
TEMECULA, Calif. (UPI) -- Employees of a Temecula,
The employees said the brave fowl would anger customers by blocking the drive-through lanes and bother employees by shedding feathers around the premises, the
Restaurant manager Chona Cauley said the chicken evaded numerous capture attempts, but was finally ensnared after it fell asleep atop a drive-through window.
"Normally, the chicken sleeps in the bushes," Cauley said.
Esmeralda Ruiz, an employee who helped capture the chicken, said she has adopted the animal as a pet.
"She's one of our family members now," Ruiz said.
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Aquarium offers shark swim
The officials the registrants are to swim with the whale sharks and thousands of other species during the remainder of 2008, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.
The program is aimed at keeping attendance high at the aquarium and educating visitors about the different species of fish.
"It's the only place where you are guaranteed to swim with whale sharks," aquarium spokesman Dave Santucci said. "We want to engage people with animals and help them make a connection."
However, some experts have criticized the program.
"I have numerous concerns with this," said Lori Marino, a senior lecturer in neuroscience and behavioral biology at
Two of the aquarium's whale sharks, Ralf and Norton, died in 2007. Ralf suffered from peritonitis and Norton is believed to have been made ill by a pesticide that was used to treat his tank for parasites.
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Bear takes dip with hotel guests
OURAY, Colo. (UPI) -- Guests at a hotel in
Ryan Hein, general manager of the Best Western Twin Peaks Motel in Ouray, said guests were lounging Thursday night when the "cute, little cinnamon bear walked into our pool area and decided to take a dip," the Grand Junction (Colo.) Daily Sentinel reported.
"He must have needed his muscles soothed," Hein joked. "He just jumped in for a little bit, and then crawled his way out."
Hein said it is not unusual for bears to wander onto the hotel's property because it borders wilderness.
"The bears seem not to be aggressive, but you never know. We're doing what we can to keep our guests safe," Hein said.
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Brandy to the Rescue
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
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What's in a Name
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!