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*Tips From Cowboys, Everyday Wisdom*
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....Neither one works.
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."
Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
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A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada. Both liked to hunt.
They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken.
"Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!"
"That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good grief, I'd hate to see yer rats!"
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One day a goober went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.
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Bragging
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"