Considerate?
As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day at the office,
the car phone rang. It was my husband. "Will you be joining me in the
whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked. "What a lovely way to spend an
evening," I thought. I was about to tell him how considerate he was
when he continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start adding
more water to the tub."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me pass gas..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Flight Advice"
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
“If you believe everything you read, better not read.” - Japanese Proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Innocence"
In the maternity ward of a hospital, newborn girl baby looks over at newborn boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty nightshirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recently attended a small business marketing seminar at
which the speaker used actual examples to reinforce her
teaching points. She told a delightful story about a
coffeeshop that distinguished itself from the competition by
prominently displaying a warning sign that read: "Unattended
children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- Polish Joke
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of
Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's
license and is told he has to take an eye test. The
examiner shows him a card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Might Be A Preacher If...
1. You might be a preacher if people leave while you
are talking.
3. You might be a preacher if you've ever wanted to
wish the people a "Merry Christmas" on Easter, because
that is the next time you will see them.
4. You might be a preacher is you've ever wanted to
fire the church and form a congregational search
committee.
5. You might be a preacher if you scan the help-wanted
ads and resign in your mind on Monday mornings.
6. You might be a preacher if you'd rather talk to
people with every head bowed and every eye closed.
7. You might be a preacher if your boss won't give you
Sundays off.
8. You might be a preacher if you have ever had a
personality conflict with an elder - you had one and
he didn't.
9. You might be a preacher if you heard one of your
elders praying, "Lord, you keep him humble and we will
keep him poor."
10. You might be a preacher if you have ever received
an anonymous phone call.
11. You might be a preacher if you have never been
ashamed of the Gospel, but have been occasionally of
your church.
12. You might be a preacher if your phone occasionally
rings at 3 or 4 AM in the morning.
13. You might be a preacher if everyone expects
perfection out of you, when they know themselves that
no human is perfect.
14. You might be a preacher if you get blamed for
anything that goes wrong in the church.
15. You may be a preacher if when you have given a
stinging rebuke at sin, the person involved begins to
look at the ceiling, the floor, or else try to "stare
you down."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Young Patients
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young
patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a Little boy's ear, the doctor asked him,
"Is this your nose?"
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I
think we'd better find a new doctor!"