One day a salesman stopped by a farm, knocked, and the farmer's wife came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." she said.
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties. He's the one with the beard and mustache."
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"Kitchen Help"
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for me when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."
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CleanQuote
"When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying."
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Illustration - "Perspective"
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
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GOLFING
Dan is 90 years old.
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That’s it", he tells his wife.
"I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad .... once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.
As they sit down she says, "Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That’s no good" sighs Dan. "Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Dan heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Dan.
"I can’t remember."
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Alligators
Dennis was being led through the swamps of
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
Chase smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
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Gifted Artist
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A New Record
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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A New Record
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't F ather.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't F ather.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Paddy was in
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"