An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said
to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've
been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist
second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since
February."
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Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about.
We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.
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The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh, I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
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DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn............................... Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn..................... There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........................ The Church is One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn......................... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn...................There's a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn................. Standing on the Promises ! Optometrist's Hymn..................... Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn................ I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn..................... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn............... Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn.................. Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn.................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop The Massage Therapists Hymn....... He Touched Me The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns: 45 mph....................................... God Will Take Care of You 65 mph...................................... Nearer My God To Thee 85 mph....................................... This World Is Not My Home 95 mph...................................... Lord, I'm Coming Home 100 mph...................................... Precious Memories Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folks.
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Not For LunchMy husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
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"Here's some good news: Subway crime is down. It's been
weeks since I've been ridiculed for the contents of my
briefcase by subway punks." -Dave Letterman
***
"Congratulations to Charlie Sheen, who's marrying his long-
time girlfriend. What constitutes long time here? 'Well,
it's past six...'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"The new Harry Potter movie comes out this week. One reviewer
called it the dullest Harry Potter ever. He may be right
because the new movie is called 'Harry Potter and the Low-
Yield Municipal Bonds.'" -Conan O'Brien
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A property manager of single-family residence was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
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Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They
called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argu-
ment.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for
their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy
them for us."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so
one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other
end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
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You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's
combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe,
and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the
same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're
going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor
is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct
one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents
read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher
got it right.
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Cats Playing Poker
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
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Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size". He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
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For The Kids...
Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick! How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas! What do witches ring for in a hotel?B-room service! Why do witches fly on broomsticks?Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!