A priest at the preschool
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
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Toddler Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.9. If it it's near me, it's mine.10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
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Locked Car
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
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Multiple Lives
What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
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At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
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Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
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Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like
stripping the gears.
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Embarrassing moments
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace. Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure. Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence. "Thank you," he said. "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush. "Yes." "Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush. In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
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This is Heaven
This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"
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Eating at a Chinese restaurant
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
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Who Gets The Dog?
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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Our dentist office purchased a computer from a local dealer.
The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had
been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the
following week.
The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued
for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer-the wrong
model. However, office management decided to accept it.
Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a
letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show
that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It
was a CD player.