For Northerners Moving South
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
- Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive
- Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
- Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
- Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
- In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
- If you do settle in the South and have children, don't think that they will be accepted as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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Packers Fan
There was a Packers fan with a really lousy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
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Some People Should Not Be Allowed To Travel
The following are "actual" stories provided by travel agents:
- I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A client called in inquiring about a package to
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in
Her response... ... click. - A man called, furious about a
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and - I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see
I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map." - Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard - A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from
I tried to explain that - A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. - I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them." - A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to
She said, "Yeah, whatever." - A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to - A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
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Weird News
Alice Springs plans 'Hate Darwin
ALICE SPRINGS, Australia (UPI) -- Alice Springs, in
On July 2, municipal employees in
"
Stewart said he was moved to act when the government decided to build a new prison in
Alice Springs, close to the geographical center of
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Dallas
DALLAS (UPI) -- The two-story administrative office building at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport was emptied for a time Tuesday because of a bad odor, authorities said.
Employees returned to work later in the afternoon after emergency personnel used a large fan to air out the offices, The Dallas Morning News reported.
Authorities said the source of the "suspicious" smell was probably material put into the sewer system to alleviate a bad odor, the newspaper said.
The episode, which attracted fire trucks and other emergency vehicles, interrupted a noontime meeting of a committee of the airport's board of directors. Employees and visitors, who were kept outside until public safety officials gave the all-clear signal about 1:15 p.m., could still detect a slight smell when they returned, the News said.
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Alzheimer's dentist may lose license
SKANE, Sweden (UPI) -- The Swedish National Board of Health and Welfare is asking the country's medical authority to revoke the license of a dentist who has Alzheimer's.
The board wrote in its request to the Medical Responsibility Board that the dentist, who practices out of her home in Skane, often forgets patient information and forgets where she is while at work, Swedish news agency TT reported Tuesday.
The woman, who claims to have stopped treating patients, said the board's request will save her the time of requesting her own license be revoked.
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Man cuts bare bottom on window
Authorities said the 21-year-old man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital, The Sun reported Tuesday.
The man and two others who were with him at the time of the incident were detained by police but the owner of the restaurant agreed not to press charges if the men pay to replace the window.
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"Dog Calls"
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
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Oneliner
"Why do they call it a drop cloth when the paint usually drops where the cloth ISN'T?"
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CleanPun - "Lightning Driving"
Two men were talking. One says to the other, "My wife drives like lightning."
His friend asked, "She drives fast?"
"No, she hits trees."
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Health Benefits Of Being Overweight”
A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15 to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic, prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and Krispy Kreme.