Talking About OthersA young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo funny!"The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad.A moment later the boy blurted out in the same loud voice, "Look mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when we get home!"
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A Following Person
A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"
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The Island
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
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Aisle Seat
I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
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For The Kids...
Why did the whale cross the road?To get to the other tide! What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off?I'll get you next slime! What was the snail doing on the highway?About one mile a day! What is the definition of a slug?A snail with a housing problem!
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I.R.S. HumorIt's that time of year again...
Q: What do you call 25 I.R.S. agents buried up to their chins in cement?A: Not enough cement.Q: What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?A: Skeet.Q: What do you throw to a drowning I.R.S. agent?A: His co-workers.Q: What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?A: A Doberman.Q: What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?A: One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?Post Office just recalled their newest stamps. They had pictures of IRS agents on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
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Arkansas SurgeonsWho's the best Redneck surgeon?
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, “I'm the best Surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”The second surgeon said. “That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.”The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's dirty blonde hair and the horse's behind. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.”
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Simultaneous HuntersThat's why he gets paid 'big bucks' from above...
Three friends (a lawyer, doctor, & preacher) went hunting. The 3 shot a big buck simultaneously. Upon reaching it they found out that it had only one bullet hole. A debate followed concerning whose buck it was.Five minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate.The officer told them he could tell who shot the buck, “The pastor shot it.”They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”
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How Smart Is Your Right Foot?Ever tried to outsmart your feet?
[This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't...]1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!I told you so...And there is nothing you can do about it...
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Gifts For The TeacherIs it Scotch?
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.And Vernie brought up a big, heavy box.The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.“Is it wine?” she guessed.“No,” the boy replied.She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”“No,” said the little boy. “It's a puppy!”
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The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he
asked the sales clerk.
"Forty dollars."
The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a
twenty. "I'll take one spur."
"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.
The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the
other side'll go too."
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Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in
Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When
someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at
it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a
corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk
said.
"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."
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For an auto mechanic, frustration is having a pound of grease on both hands
and no upholstery to wipe them on.