********************************
Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes,
purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before
he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I
take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he
explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in
Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles
always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The
ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.
Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces
of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life
counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
********************************
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
********************************
EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF ed. Whit Sasser --
Housewife Joke
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Arkansas girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a
landscaper.
******************************************************
Thanks to G and J K: THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute
of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on
Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to
kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out
alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why--is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being
under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be
When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was
already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is none the less
dead.
26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a
Smith and Wesson.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for.
Will Rogers