Sunday, September 18, 2005

hUMOR For Sept. 18th

********************************
Bathroom Break

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten
teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
********************************
Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful; the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
********************************
Silent Descent
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Hope is hearing the melody of the future. Faith is to dance to it now." - Richard Alves, Quoted in "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent
********************************
Here is today's Illustration. - Answering Questions
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wears. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
********************************
Letter of Apology

Dear Lyndell,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your
engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and
forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk,
tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that
motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you
have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live
under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only
18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard
on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong.
I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you
have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's super
lottery.
********************************
These are real notes written from parents in the Pine Cone, Minnesota school district.
(Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
-----------------------------
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being ab sent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
------------------------------
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
-------------------------------
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
-------------------------------
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
----------------------------
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
-----------------------------
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
-----------------------------
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.
[Words were crossed out in the ()'s]
-----------------------------
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
-------------------------
Peggy was absent yesterdy because she missed her bust.
-------------------------
Pease excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I kept Bi llie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper
off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
********************************
More Sven, Olie, and Hans
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Homer. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Ya, vill take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of Garvin Heights. On top of Garvin Heights, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his friend, Hans shakes his head and says: "Uffdah, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE!

PART TWO: Moments later Ole arrives up at Garvin Heights. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "Ufdah, I'm never trying dat parrotshootin either."
BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!

PART THREE: Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Ole parrotshooting and now Lars is hen gliding. Ufdah, what's a man to do, 'ey?"