Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day
PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain
sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could
get ugly.
OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off
to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in
a heap, for all to scramble for.
GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table,
at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot)
so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the
coach to say the prayer.
TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the
game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT
MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).
COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem
them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me
crazy!
PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing
and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due
to a certain *televised* football game engaging your
attention!
HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I
may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep
in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for
ransom ;).
TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being
touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not
dance when the mission is complete!
FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all
means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!
RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!
and last but not least...
GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through
this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new
players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for
you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!
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I had a secretary who claimed that she liked to live like
she types: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
Did you hear what happened to the butcher? He backed into
a meat slicer and got a little behind in his work.
Village Dry Cleaners has relocated to High Street, right next
door to St. Joseph's Church. After March 1, Cleanliness Is
Next to Godliness.'
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A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
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Ladies Bumper Stickers
- So many men, so few who can afford me - God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends - If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going! - My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips - Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog - Coffee - Chocolate - Men... Some things are just better rich
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Snort Sniff Honk Snort
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer. Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!" He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows. Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!" None of the reindeer stepped forward. Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own." Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
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A Mother's Resolutions
- When I forget to go to the grocery store, I will not boil the macaroni necklaces my children made for me in preschool. - When I hear one of my children wake in the middle of the night, I will run upstairs to supervise before he relieves himself in the sink and then creeps into the bathtub to return to sleep. - I will pack the kids' lunch boxes the night before so I don't throw in a slab of frozen lasagna as they're running for the bus. "It'll defrost by lunch. If not, you can suck it like an ice pop." - I will resist the urge to explain to strangers why my son is wearing winter boots, a bathing suit bottom, and an inside-out and backward pajama top. I will be grateful that he is able to dress himself. - I will not tell my children that the Play-Doh dried up just because I don't feel like cleaning up after they use it, even though I know it means I'll spend the evening harvesting the colored stuff from the carpet fibers, chair cushions and the dog's fur. - I will always protect the rights of my children, especially their right to remain silent. -. I will learn to accept the outbursts and tantrums as a part of life. After all, I promised to love my husband for better or worse. - When my husband and I go to a restaurant without the kids, I will not roll up his sleeves or move the knives from his reach. I will not accompany him to the bathroom and remind him to wash his hands with soap. If my husband wants dessert at the end of the meal, I will not tell him it depends on his behavior.
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AMUSING QUOTE
"Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.~Katie Lette "
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One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"
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A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants
to get.
The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and
pop it back on your head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it,
whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be
mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing
that already!" says the boss.
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BATHTUB TESTIt doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum on Thursday, Dan asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath tub, then we offer ateaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said Dan ..."A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Dan, we’ll prepare you want a bed near the window"!
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At the RestaurantWe took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went to see the hostess about reserving a table.When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled."Doesn't she know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband."Worse," he replied, "she doesn't know what a phone both is."
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Police officers in Brockton, Mass received a call regarding
an injured animal lying on a street corner. When they arrived
at the scene they found a dog that had been hit by a car. But
according to the local newspaper, the police report stated
that the dog was okay and "refused medical treatment."
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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in
hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my
daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese
symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she
begged.
"I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand
for?"
"Honesty," she said.