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SHAVED
There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the onlychurch in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double upas the local barber to make ends meet. There happened to be a man in this small community who had investedwisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed oneday to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he wasabout shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shavemyself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." Sohe did. He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was outcalling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shavesanyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did. She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?" "$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive andthat he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paidGrace and went on his way. The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as theday before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25shave. The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow!he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily tokeep his clean-shaven business look. Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute afterGrace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to thebarber shop to ask some questions. This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his facewas as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven. The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Graceand once shaved, always shaved."
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It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
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The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize... you guessed it.... his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed and tore his skin, and finally got away. With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony."
But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching the boy's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, he dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered.
"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.
The lady responded curtly, "I sir, am the party he belongs to."
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"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"
"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
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Meeting of the Board"There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst! He was a visitor who had never attended their church before."My friend," asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?""Yes," said the visitor, "and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get!"
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.