Single-Minded
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."
The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."
The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
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Ways the Internet Could Get Worse
- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.
- Sun internet servers replaced with Pentiums.
- Al Gore appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team."
- Free netcom account with purchase of Big Mac.
- Gameboy web browsers.
- Two words: "Microsoft Network"
- Rigorous user screening process abolished by
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Ten Years
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
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You Know You're From Tennessee When...
/* Many of these apply to
You've never met any celebrities -- other than Fred
Thompson.
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still
Summer, and Christmas.
You laugh when people from anywhere north of
to say or spell "y'all."
It's "Mar-vull," not "Mary-ville."
It's "Knox-vull," not "Knox-ville."
A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.
You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a
slab of butter inside, and closing it back up again.
Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.
Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be
pronounced.
Sales tax is 9.75%.
You shop at Wal-Mart for groceries, not at a grocery store.
You don't drive in
You or your friends chew.
You can't remember the last time you saw snow.
You know when Elvis Presley Day is.
You know all of the words to "Rocky Top."
You avoid going anywhere near Bristol Motor Speedway on race
weekend.
You think it's worth it driving to
1.25% on the sales tax.
You eat "dinner" at noon and "supper" in the evening.
Your Wal-Mart has specific parking spots for horses and
buggies.
You use "commode" in conversations and absolutely no one
knows what you're talking about.
You barely get snow days because there's hardly ever any
snow. Better yet, you get snow days if your local weather
stations predict even the slightest bit of snow!
You and everyone you know goes to one vacation spot:
City.
You know how to do the watermelon crawl.
Everything is COKE, and if you don't like it, tough. Ex:
"You want a COKE?" "Sure." "Which kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
You're in a Carhartt jacket one day, shorts the next, and no
one thinks anything about it.
Everyone you know owns a truck, and at least one of those
trucks is just painted with primer or more colors than the
rainbow.
You measure distance in minutes, not miles.
You drive through a rich neighborhood and see the wannabe
redneck kids with their brand-new Fords and their designer
holey jeans and cowboy hats.
Boomsday in
Square.
the fall.
Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions. Most
people from
they can drink out of sippy cups. Iced tea is appropriate
for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We
do like a little tea with our sugar!
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same
day.
You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the
store."
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
You know what a "DAWG" is.
You carry jumper cables in your car -- for your OWN car.
You own only four spices: salt, pepper,
ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on
one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national
holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
Fried catfish is "the other white meat."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
pinto-bean weather.
You're convinced you don't need driver's ed -- your father's
and uncles' pickup trucks were training enough.
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in
the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
"Fixinto" is one word.
Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter
what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark
to see.
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Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter
what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark
to see.
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"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent
the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records...
at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the
cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get
out." --Julian Clary
***
Next week is the Fourth of July. The networks always run
these fireworks safety videos to make sure no one has any
fun on the Fourth of July. I know they're supposed to make
us scared of fireworks, but after seeing them I feel this
intense desire to blow something up." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"If it is very painful for you to criticize your friends,
you are safe doing it. But if you take the slightest
pleasure in it, that is the time to hold your tongue."
--Alice Miller
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The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my eight-
year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to
the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release
it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out
as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.
"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who
do I see about getting some dentures?"