John calls Jill from work and says he will be home by 5 PM and hopes that
dinner will be on the table when he gets there.
He arrives home and enters the kitchen and sees a package of pasta, jar of
sauce and can of vegetables on the kitchen table. "Jill, I specifically
called you from work to let you know when I would be home. Where is my
dinner?"
"Dinner is on the table, John, like you asked. I don't know why you wanted
it there instead of on the stove."
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I went to school to become a wit. I only got halfway through.
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"Christmas Cake"
Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.
The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake."
He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."
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"I write down everything I want to remember. That way,
instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what
it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper
I wrote it down on." -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist
***
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill
live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23
percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead
***
"I wrote a novel this year called, 'Shop Girl,' and several
producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie.
And I said, 'If you think you're going to take this book and
change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending,
well, that's going to cost you.'" -Steve Martin
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Engineering classes at the University of Maryland are tough,
and struggling students sometimes go to extremes in order
to pass. Grading exams one semester, I got to this question:
"What is the relationship between kinetic and potential
energy?"
One student, obviously stumped, decided to get clever and
wrote, "As far as I know, they're just friends, but there
could be something else going on there."
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A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which
a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the
vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
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The Poor Tailor and the French Restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."
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Dino-road
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
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The Old Witness
Old man Vern was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Vern, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Vern, “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Vern again, “Vern, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes,” says Vern, “I saw him do it.” Then the lawyer asks Vern, “Vern, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?” Vern says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”
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Misstep
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for my child. My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
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Area 51
Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out
of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check
on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded
the plane -- only this time there were two people in the
plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"
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"Merry Christmas From Your Pets"
Meowy Christmas from your loving cat.Aren't I cute? Now leave me alone.--Ann Bartow
I've always loved the Christmas Feast.I've heard this year it's ham.Too bad I've other plans this time.Love, Your Pot-bellied Pig named Sam.--Ed Smith
FROM YOUR PARROTJingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells!Jingle bells! Jingle bells...--Kevin Wickart
You feed, pet and house me.And I love you for that.But stop calling me your "kid."I'm just a stupid cat.--Brian Jones
I want to say I love you,Before anything could spoil it.So don't look in the living roomThat new carpet? I just soiled it.--John Gephart
As watchman-cat, I've done my job,The house is safe once more.That shiny stuff that stormed the treeIs dead now on the floor.--Larry Hollister
We, your cats, at Christmas say,Thanks for caring for us each day.We love this season, all green and red,And by the way, the hamster's dead.--Peter Bauer
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