"Flu Notes"
(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)
Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.
Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.:
Dear
Thursday A.M.:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?
I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.
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Cow Sense
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination.
On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside. After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions.
Myrtle, after looking about, and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep' em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
"Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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Oneliner
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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CleanPun - "Noah's Snakes"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!"
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
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A couple of "preacher jokes" for you:
One Sunday morning, a preacher cut his face while shaving, and he placed a band-aid on the cut. After a longer-than-usual sermon, he explained, "In case you are wondering what happened to my face, while shaving I was concentrating on my sermon and I cut my face." Afterwards, a woman said to him, "Next time, concentrate on your face and CUT THE SERMON."
The minister selected a fifty-cent item at a convenience store, but discovered he didn't have any money with him. "I could invite you to hear me preach in return," he said jokingly to the owner, "but I'm afraid I don't have any fifty-cent sermons." "Perhaps," suggested the owner, "I could attend twice."
That raises an interesting question -- how much are sermons worth? I can honestly say that some of mine have not been worth nearly as much as others. But if a sermon has effectively communicated the truth of God's Word in such a way that we are led to understand better and to make application in our lives, then it is worth a great deal.
"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!'" (
Have you told your preacher lately what good-looking feet he has?
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Transcribing Confusion
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes,
my co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has
pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked
with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head and smiled.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
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”Origin of Mankind”
A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her mother the same question.
The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says we developed from monkeys?"
The Father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."
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Bumpers
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman
trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in
front, then backed up and hit the car behind her. This went on about
two minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined.
She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
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"40 Year Difference"
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"
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CleanQuote
"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'"
- Penelope Lombard
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Illustration - "The Trip Home"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A pastor had been on a long flight between church conferences. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on:
*Fasten Your Seat Belts.*
Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."
As the pastor looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive.
Later, the voice on the intercom said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."
And then the storm broke . . .
The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightning lit up the darkening skies, and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.
The pastor confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying. The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm.
"Then, I suddenly saw a little girl. Apparently the storm meant nothing to her. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat; she was reading a book and every- thing within her small world was calm and orderly.
"Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world.
When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid." The minister could hardly believe his eyes.
It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, our pastor lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time.
Having commented about the storm and the behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.
The child replied, "Cause my Daddy's the pilot, and he's taking me home."
Physical, mental, financial, domestic, and many other storms can easily and quickly darken our skies and throw our plane into apparently uncontrollable movement. We have all known such times, and let us be honest and confess, it is much easier to be at rest when our feet are on the ground than when we are being tossed about a darkened sky.
Let us remember: Our Father is the Pilot. He is in control and taking us home. Don't worry!
- Gerald M. Costello, Interim Director, The Christophers