Tuesday, August 22, 2006

hUMOR For Aug. 22nd

Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You"
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.

Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.

FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.

12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.

3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).

4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.

7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.

9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.

12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.

13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.

14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.

15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.

17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.

19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.

20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.

21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.

++++++++++++++++++

ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.

hUMOR For Aug. 22nd

Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You"
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
- Jackie Mason
++++++++++++++++++
"Egotists"
When two egotists meet, it's "an I for an I."
++++++++++++++++++
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby
daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the
carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish
talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his
dog, and said, "See the baby?"
++++++++++++++++++
Originality is merely undetected plagiarism
++++++++++++++++++
TRIVIA: Name a popular professional sport that
requires all metal shoes.

Edward Roland Sill said, "We must do the best we
can with what we have." That makes sense...ANSWER AT END
++++++++++++++++++
The Missing Scientists

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their whole lives studying the majestic
grizzlybear. Each year they petitioned their
respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to
study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they
immediately flew to NY and then on West to
Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station
and were told
that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much
too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally
the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were
given cell phones and told to report in each and every
day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female
bear. They found the female and decided they must kill
the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists
because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's
stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know
what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in
the male."
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to CJ in PA:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use
on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: NUTRITION AND HEALTH

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.

FACTS: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or
Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking
English is apparently what kills you.
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in OKLAHOMA or Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.

12. When the Officer says, "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to PW: News Flashes -- Year 2030

1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars
can now be imported legally but President Chelsea
Clinton has banned all smoking.

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.

3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon).

4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate
it will take at least ten more years before
radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed
sighted at Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.

6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise
is the key to weight loss.

7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of
mutants.

9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at
Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands
in Los Angeles.

12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven
inches.

13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest
version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation
is completed.

14. New California law requires that all nail
clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered
by January 2036.

15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.

16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA)
contribution hits $12,000 per week. Protests planned.

17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.

18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to
castvotes.

19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation
for 748th time. No response.

20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway,
decline to $12,000 per.

21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.

22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5
per word. Please remit.

++++++++++++++++++

ANSWER: The popular professional sport that requires
all metal shoes -- is -- horse racing.