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*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
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*Things you would never know without the movies*
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love...
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty...
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings, especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 23.
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BIG JOHN
Tennessee Ernie couldn't have done it better.
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive
Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five
Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine
And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul
His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll
'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes
It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - Big John.
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown
'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star
The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won
Then turned against his country and his Navy friends
And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows
Giving aid and comfort to America's foes
It was clear to see whose side he was on
Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon - Big John
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore
He never had to work a day in his life
'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - Big John
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die
To give him the freedom to tell us his lies
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives
To help ensure that our nation survives
A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face
To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced...
FADE (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
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My friend PW sent this to me and I just had to forward it to some friends... I hope you enjoy it! Tim
Why you need to vote....
My Nightmare ...
Nov. 3, 2004
I woke up on the morning of November 3, 2004 to find:
John Kerry - President
John Edwards - Vice-President
Jane Fonda - Secretary of Defense
Michael Moore - Foreign Secretary
Whoopi Goldberg - Secretary of Interior Jessie Jackson & Bill Clinton - Chaplain & Moral Advisor to the White House Al Gore - Head of FBI, CIA & Homeland Security Tom Daschle - Senate Majority Leader Howard Dean - First Speech Writer & No. 1 Advisor to the White House Hillary Clinton - No. 1 Queen of Everything
Don't laugh, it could happen unless you get out there and vote!!!!!!
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Thanks to La Mc -- In Conclusion...
Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey.
His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client...
"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant...
Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"
Bubba was acquitted.
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Thanks to La Mc -- An Apt title???
A local preacher joined a community-service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.
Under his name badge they printed, "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.
The preacher responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the sheep'... but you know your people better than I do!"
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Thanks to Ozella -- Some Funny Ones...
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk holding the beautiful package.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years.. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation"
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There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, the money is still out there in your pockets..."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you! know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Preacher," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay", said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the preacher stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.