Due to the heavy snow I may not be able to send Saturday's hUMOR, but I'll do my best to send it out.
Dan
Friday, March 18, 2005
hUMOR For March 18th
********************************
The Irish Pub
Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of
Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put the three
pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down;
then took a little sip out of the second, put it down; and then took a
little sip out of the third. He put it down, went back to the first pint,
and started the process all over again, until he had drunk all three pints.
Then he paid the bartender and left.
This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the
bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat.
"Patrick", he says.
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the
same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one
at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually
finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like
that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs but, if you
wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"
"Well, you know me brothers Michael and John moved to New York".
"Aye".
"Well, I promised me brothers that I would have a pint every night in our
favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the time when we
were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are
having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"
"Aye".
This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub
for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He
drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is
terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it anymore, so they
ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.
So, the bartender approaches Pat and asks, "Patrick?"
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".
"WHAT? What tragedy??"
"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".
"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think
something happened to one of me brothers??"
"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a
sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something
happened to one of your brothers."
"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that the doctor said I had to
take better care of myself, so I decided to quit drinking."
********************************
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using the command line:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagainagain/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to dessert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
More than five million American women are overweight.
These, of course, are round figures.
********************************
Leon Blum, the former Socialist Premier of France, once met David Ben Gurion. He introduced himself this way, "I had better tell you right away, Mr. Ben Gurion, that I am a humanist first, a socialist second, and only then a Jew. Whenever I write my name, that is what I believe."
Ben Gurion replied with a smile, "Never mind, we Jews read from right to left anyway!"
********************************
Abbott and Costello upgraded
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too Old to REALLY understand computers,
to fully appreciate this.For those of us who sometimes
get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their
infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned
out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT:
Super Duper computer store.Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why?Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No.On the computer!I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal.What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers.OK, forget
that.Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.What I
watch is none of your business.Just tell me what I
need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4.Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great!With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one.But it's the most popular Word in
the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left.It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word.Real One
isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP!Don't start that again.What about
financial bookkeeping?You have anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right.What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes.No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not?THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
********************************
Snow Plow
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio overbreakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side ofthe street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out andmoves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radioannouncer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You mustpark your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows canget through. "Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radioannouncer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You mustpark..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with aworried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Whichside of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are marriedtoBlondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garagethis time?"
********************************
Painting the porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her
to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
The Irish Pub
Patrick went into his favorite pub in Dublin and ordered 3 pints of
Guinness, to be served all at the same time. The bartender put the three
pints in front of him, and he took a little sip out of one, put it down;
then took a little sip out of the second, put it down; and then took a
little sip out of the third. He put it down, went back to the first pint,
and started the process all over again, until he had drunk all three pints.
Then he paid the bartender and left.
This went on for months, every night the same thing. Finally, the
bartender cannot stand it any longer, and he approaches Pat.
"Patrick", he says.
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I've been watching you come in here for months. Every night you order the
same thing. Three pints. All at once. Then, instead of drinking them one
at a time, you take a little sip out of each one until you eventually
finish all three. Then, you just leave. I have never seen anything like
that. I don't want to be prying into your personal affairs but, if you
wouldn't mind telling me, WHY?"
"Well, you know me brothers Michael and John moved to New York".
"Aye".
"Well, I promised me brothers that I would have a pint every night in our
favorite pub, just like in the old days, in remembrance of the time when we
were together. So, that's what I do each night. Me and my brothers are
having a drink together. Do ya' understand now?"
"Aye".
This goes on for years. In fact, Patrick becomes rather famous in the pub
for it. Finally, the time comes when Patrick orders only two pints. He
drinks them the same way and leaves, but everybody knows something is
terribly wrong. After a few weeks, nobody can stand it anymore, so they
ask the bartender to approach Patrick about it.
So, the bartender approaches Pat and asks, "Patrick?"
"Aye", says Patrick.
"I understand there has been a tragedy in your family".
"WHAT? What tragedy??"
"Well, one of your brothers died recently, I understand".
"What!!!! Me brothers are fine, never healthier. Why would you think
something happened to one of me brothers??"
"Well, you always used to drink three pints, every night; and all of a
sudden you started drinking only two pints. We assumed that something
happened to one of your brothers."
"Noooo... me brothers is fine. It's just that the doctor said I had to
take better care of myself, so I decided to quit drinking."
********************************
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using the command line:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagainagain/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to dessert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
More than five million American women are overweight.
These, of course, are round figures.
********************************
Leon Blum, the former Socialist Premier of France, once met David Ben Gurion. He introduced himself this way, "I had better tell you right away, Mr. Ben Gurion, that I am a humanist first, a socialist second, and only then a Jew. Whenever I write my name, that is what I believe."
Ben Gurion replied with a smile, "Never mind, we Jews read from right to left anyway!"
********************************
Abbott and Costello upgraded
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too Old to REALLY understand computers,
to fully appreciate this.For those of us who sometimes
get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their
infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned
out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT:
Super Duper computer store.Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den
and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why?Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No.On the computer!I need something I can
use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
business.What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.Can you recommend
anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal.What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
don't start with some straight answers.OK, forget
that.Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon.What I
watch is none of your business.Just tell me what I
need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4.Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great!With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is
Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for
windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one.But it's the most popular Word in
the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
Words left.It pretty much wiped out all the other
Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word.Real One
isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP!Don't start that again.What about
financial bookkeeping?You have anything I can track my
money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right.What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes.No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How
much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not?THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
********************************
Snow Plow
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio overbreakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side ofthe street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out andmoves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radioannouncer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You mustpark your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows canget through. "Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radioannouncer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You mustpark..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with aworried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Whichside of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are marriedtoBlondes exhibit, Norman says... "Why don't you just leave it in the garagethis time?"
********************************
Painting the porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself
out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her
to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
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