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Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
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Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
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New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
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Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
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From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
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Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
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From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
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