Department of Lowered Expectations
During a road trip I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I
walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a
sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."
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"Academic Phrases and Meanings"
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph.
"In my experience"... once.
"In case after case"... twice.
"In a series of cases"... thrice.
"It is believed that"... I think.
"It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it.
"After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit.
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CleanQuote
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."
- Mark Twai
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"Studying"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
There was a kid taking a Statistics Class in college (STT 101). He finished his exam in half the time alloted, and the rest of the time he sat and flipped a coin.
The teacher asked what he was doing. And he said "I'm checking my answers."
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Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
Because if he lifted up both legs, he would fall over!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!
What does "minimum" mean?
A very small mother!
What does "maximum" mean?
A very big mother!
What's the difference between an American student and an
English student?
About 3,000 miles!
Why did Robin Hood steal only from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!
What is a skeleton?
Bones, with the person off!
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Motivating Others
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
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For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to
sitting in a semi-circle." - Mitch Hedberg
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LOST HISTORICAL TID-BITS
Who was the 1st President? I'm sure that George Washington was your
first and best guess. After all, no one else comes to mind.
But think back to your history books - The United States declared its
independence in 1776, yet Washington did not take office until April 30,
1789.
So who was running the country during these initial years of this young
country?
It was the first eight U.S. Presidents.
In fact, the first President of the United States was one John Hanson.
I can hear you now - John who?
John Hanson, the first President of the United States.
Don't go checking the encyclopedia for this guy's name - he is one of
those great men that are lost to history. If you're extremely lucky, you
may actually find a brief mention of his name.
The new country was actually formed on March 1, 1781 with the adoption of
The Articles of Confederation.
This document was actually proposed on June 11, 1776, but not agreed upon
by Congress until November 15, 1777.
Maryland refused to sign this document until Virginia and New York ceded
their western lands (Maryland was afraid that these states would gain too
much power in the new government from such large amounts of land).
Once the signing took place in 1781, a President was needed to run the
country.
John Hanson was chosen unanimously by Congress (which included George
Washington). In fact, all the other potential candidates refused to run
against him, as he was a major player in the revolution and an extremely
influential member of Congress.
As the first President, Hanson had quite the shoes to fill. No one had
ever been President and the role was poorly defined. His actions in office
would set precedent for all future Presidents.
He took office just as the Revolutionary War ended. Almost immediately,
the troops demanded to be paid. As would be expected after any long war,
there were no funds to meet the salaries. As a result, the soldiers
threatened to overthrow the new government and put Washington on the
throne as a monarch.
All the members of Congress ran for their lives, leaving Hanson as the
only guy left running the government. He somehow managed to calm the
troops down and hold the country together. If he had failed, the
government would have fallen almost immediately and everyone would have
been bowing to King Washington.
Hanson, as President, ordered all foreign troops off American soil, as
well as the removal of all foreign flags. This was quite the feat,
considering the fact that so many European countries had a stake in the
United States since the days following Columbus.
Hanson established the Great Seal of the United States, which all
Presidents have since been required to use on all official documents.
President Hanson also established the first Treasury Department, the first
Secretary of War, and the first Foreign Affairs Department.
Lastly, he declared that the fourth Thursday of every November was to be
Thanksgiving Day, which is still true today.
The Articles of Confederation only allowed a President to serve a one year
term during any three year period, so Hanson actually accomplished quite a
bit in such little time.
Seven other presidents were elected after him...
Elias Boudinot (1782-83),
Thomas Mifflin (1783-84),
Richard Henry Lee (1784-85),
John Hancock (1785-86),
Nathan Gorman (1786-87),
Arthur St. Clair (1787-88), and
Cyrus Griffin (1788-89)
..all prior to Washington taking office.
So what happened? Why don`t we hear about the first eight presidents?
It's quite simple - The Articles of Confederation didn't work well. The
individual states had too much power and nothing could be agreed upon. A
new doctrine needed to be written - something we know as the Constitution.
And that leads us to the end of our story.
George Washington was definitely not the first President of the United
States. He was the first President of the United States under the
Constitution we follow today.
And the first eight Presidents are forgotten in history.
YOU HAVE TO BE A LOVER OF HISTORY TO APPRECIATE THIS!!
NOTE: It took 8 years for us to establish a successful government.
Remember this when you hear that so little progress has been made during these last 3 years in establishing a Government in Iraq.