"This is the kind of thing that would bum out any young guy.
I just found out my father lost his hair--in a slap fight."
--Vernon Chatman
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After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girl-
friend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already
being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down,
put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back
here."
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"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"
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A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it
advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it
advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
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Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that
tied female obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came
home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to
work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
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Grandparents
I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Welsh Proverb
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grand-child. ~Gore Vidal
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Ogden Nash
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Marcy DeMaree
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Lois Wyse
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grand-children, I'd have had them first. ~Henry Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Mary H. Waldrip
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Proverb
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Alex Haley
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Joy Hargrove
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grand-baby around the finger of a grandfather. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~Authors Unknown
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Grandmothers are just antique little girls.
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.
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Forgive and ForgetOnce upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done."Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'""It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
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Worst Family Feud Answers
Question: Name a former President that most people would say
is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answer: Nixon
-----
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins
with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
-----
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy
-----
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing
out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn
-----
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
-----
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
-----
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
-----
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making
a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu
-----
Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call
from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son
-----
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Iglesias
-----
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot
of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol
-----
Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of
your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answer: Lint
-----
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
-----
Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in
their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold
-----
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
-----
Question: Name something you think would be difficult about
being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down
-----
Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other
than the U.S.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere
-----
Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss
her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answer: She doesn't love him that much.
-----
Question: Name something you do in front of your husband
that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
-----
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza
that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answer: It went to the wrong address
-----
Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
-----
Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
-----
Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot
of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14
-----
Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer