"Real 911 Calls"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Oneliner
Calories are delicious.
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"New Sanctuary"
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
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Anesthesia
An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim,
a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the
procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the
doctor asked Jim how he was feeling.
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm
in English class."
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(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when
we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play
hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and
have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers
and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your
shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?"
and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we
ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if
you don't have television, because they are the only
grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they
say prayers with us every time, and they kiss us even when
we've acted bad.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he
said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we
just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we
take her back to the airport.''
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Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look
for it.