Modeling
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said "but that won't work on me."
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he insisted.
"Really?" she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Men are 6 times more likely to be struck by lightning than women!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rejection From Satan
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Jean Squeeze
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when
she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the
added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband,
"Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"In the movies, Sylvester Stallone is Rambo again. Like
everyone else, he's older. Now when he gets dropped behind
enemy lines he says, 'What did I come here for?'"
-David Letterman
***
"Food addicts are the people I feel sorriest for because
that's really hard. You need to eat. You don't need to do
drugs. Very hard for these people to quit. "I'm going cold
turkey... mmmmm turkey. Do not think about food... do not
think about food... do not... nuts..." -Craig Ferguson
***
"According to a survey by nationwide mutual insurance, 2
percent of people actually shave while they're driving. They
shave! How many guys would like to be in the car with those
women?" --Jay Leno
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
As the owner of an old clunker, I was used to dealing with
a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket,
just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed
a stream of fluid pouring out of the bottom of the car. I
knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of
action.
When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the pro-
blem. Expecting the worst, I braced myself for his diagnosis.
When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's apple juice," he
said.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours
was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski
mask come hurling headfirst through the window.
"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.
"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of
the brick."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Accident Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the
transport company where I worked, I was being particularly
attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was
a severely damaged hood and fender. My serious mood was
broken, however, when I reached the section of the report
that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
From a Child's Mouth...
Several years ago, when I lived in
When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and Severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Points to Ponder
- The Bill of Rights (Void where prohibited by law)
- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
- A fool and his mone can throw one heck of a party.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
- Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Losing a wife/husband can be hard. In my case it was darn near impossible.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Life of a Government Worker
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
- When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."
- Training is something spoken about but never seen.
- Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
- No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
- Change is the norm.
- Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
- The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Think About It
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?