Nail Biting
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For
me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my
latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
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"Dollar Measure"
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.
"I don't have a tape measure."
"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."
"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
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Oneliner
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers."
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CleanPun - "Statue Discovery"
Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.
"It looks real enough to talk," says one.
"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue asks it its name.
No answer.
"How old are you?"
No answer.
Finally, one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"
Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rise onto its feet and puts it’s hand on it’s chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."
Of course, says the scientist, "It only stands to reason."
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Halloween Joe-ks
Why witches may have done in the Detroit Tigers...
Q: Why did the witches cancel their baseball game?
A: Because they ran out of bats.
Q: Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A: Because he was all wrapped up.
Q: How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A: “Do you want to go for a bite?”
Q: What type of restaurant do vampires not eat at?
A: Steak houses.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Q: What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A: Human beans.
Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a hollow weenie.
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Where does the ghost go on a Saturday night?
A: Anywhere he can boo-gie down.
Q: What did the skeleton say to the vampire?
A: “You suck.”
Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul!
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghoost?
A: He didn't have a haunting license.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
A: He had no body to dance with.
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He is mist.
Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.