Saturday, July 22, 2006

hUMOR For July 22nd

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now:
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and water retention
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure--I'd prefer low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is lost hearing--now what did you say?
M is memory lapses occurring all day.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few;
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo--that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry. NOW what's going 'round?
X is for x-ray and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
and I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed.
++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges

The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter
family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late
from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the
newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl
sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her,
"Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"

"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to
talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
++++++++++++++++++
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband
told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs
for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the
interviews?"
++++++++++++++++++
Definitions

Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night.

Fancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose.

College - The four year period when parents are permitted access to the
telephone.

Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.

Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't
see anything wrong with each other.

Emergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and Places that
deliver.
++++++++++++++++++
"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as
getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
++++++++++++++++++
"2 Requests"
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe."
++++++++++++++++++
"Frustration"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jane had a system for labelling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.