Out Of Step
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!"
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Candy Dispenser
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."
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Rescue
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except for one man. He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at his feet. A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said, "It's alright! The Lord will save me!" So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted, "No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!" and, once again, the boat sped off. The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated, "I don't need saving! My Lord will come" Reluctantly, the helicopter left. The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and the man drowned. At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why did my Lord not rescue me?" St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters and a boat!"
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For The Kids...
What do you call a witch who drives really badly? A road hag! What kind of jewellry do warty witches wear on their wrists?Charm bracelets! When should you feed witches milk to a baby?When it's a baby witch! Who's the fastest witch?The ones that ride on a vroom stick!
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Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going
to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're
Lutheran."
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a
few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
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Our three-year-old daughter, Jenna, was having trouble sleeping through the
night, waking up because she was afraid. Each time as I re-tucked her into
bed, I would remind her that Jesus was with her and he would keep her safe.
The sleepless nights continued, with Abby seeking comfort in our bedroom.
Finally, one night, I asked her if she had prayed for Jesus to take her fear
away and help her fall asleep.
"Oh, yes," she assured me. "He told me to come and get you."
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"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah's Witnesses do
not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their
door and annoying them." - Bruce Clark
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Military Medical Clinic
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months. As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt, he asked me what my husband did. When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
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Driver's Ed
A police officer stopped a car which was zigzagging alarmingly and asked the driver what he was doing. "I am learning to drive," was the reply. "What? without an instructor ?" exclaimed the officer. "Oh yes," answered the driver."It's a correspondence course.
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Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
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For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.What's come over you?Two cars and a bus! Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.Sit there and don't stir. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.Get back in the queue. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.I'll deal with you later.