"Mom," said the little Vernie, "Is it alright to say you are
going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of
water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
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REVISED HITS
Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate agingbaby boomers.They include:1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver (one of my favorites)8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair11. Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping12. The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone13. Abba--- Denture Queen14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To18. The Stones--- Jumping Hot Flash I've got Gas
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous! He's rich, but he's 93 years
old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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Cops Say the Darndest Things!
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." #14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!
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Something's Going Around the Convent
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'
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Excuses for the General
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
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Too Many Instructions
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
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A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming "Don't be ridiculous! I should
get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next
door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't
you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever
bought more than one eggplant."
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Little Vernie came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.
"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.
"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Vernie!"
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"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all." -
James Thurber
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"I Always Wondered About That"
During a summer break from my studies at an engineering university, I worked in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded onto the bolt, so I started heating the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along and asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
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CleanQuote
"Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind."