In Great Detail
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I
overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his
uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award,
or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and
my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE... B.A.D.
While shopping at a local Wal-Mart, I spotted a man with an acronym on his shirt that had B.A.D. Me, being curious, I stopped the man and asked, "What does B.A.D. stand for?" Trust me; you'll be amazed at what his response was.
He replied B.A.D. stands for: "Blessed And Delivered."
That thought stuck with me as I finished doing my shopping that day. So I came up with a little advice for you today.
* When the enemy tries to attack you, be B.A.D.
* When things don't seem to be going right on your job, be B.A.D
* When things are not looking good in your marriage, be B.A.D.
* When folks scandalize your name, just be B.A.D.
Get with somebody you know that you can be B.A.D. with!!!!
Now send this to the people who you know don't mind being B.A.D.
May God Bless You And Have A B.A.D. Day
heh heh: someone sent this to me & I LOVED it!!!
So I thought we could be B.A.D. together:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,
and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Interpreting Hotel Brochures"
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical .................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............... No extras
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
Standard .................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ...................... Standard
Superior .................... One free shower cap
Cozy ........................ Small
All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby
Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." - Corrie Ten Boom, author and Holocaust survivor
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut- and a hammer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola
Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that
is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old
daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot
and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"