"Murphy's Laws for Parents"
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"According to a recent study, there is a very high level of
mercury in tuna in
sushi, she is working as a thermometer." -David Letterman
***
"Boy did it rain last night. Over 3 inches of Pelligrino
fell in
***
"The government is trying to give the economy a boost. They
are giving us a rebate check. I think it is very nice of
them to give us our own money back." -Jimmy Kimmel
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies,
and services that needed to know my new address and phoned
each one to ask for the change to be made.
Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent
flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what
I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do
that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of-
address form."
"How do I get one of those?" I asked.
"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly.
"May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Contemporary Latin Phrases:
"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy is here.)
"Auda similarum ad
(They all sound just like Pearl
"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)
"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)
"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)
"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)
"Revelare Pecunia!"
(Show Me The Money!)
"Sic semper tyrannus."
(Your dinosaur is ill.)
"No Quid Pro Quo."
(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)
"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
(The government just stabbed me in the back!)
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Rejected Greeting Cards
You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
You are such a good friend
That if we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
Would you like to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
It's So True
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
- Hard work pays off later. Laziness pays off now!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
You Know You Work for the Government If...
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
- Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers.
- Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year.
- Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
- Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
- You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- You're forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commanders, customers, designated contractor, VIP's, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Get Me One Too
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Football Newby
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing
each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?