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Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."
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Behavior Modification
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What on earth are those?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.
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Budget
I've been working on my budget.
Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.
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During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage
girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
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I Don't Get It.....
I've got 3 TVs, cable, & a satellite dish; I have 3 phone lines in the
house, a cell phone & one in the car, plus a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and
one weekly one. I watch both the local and network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
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Quotes
A Champion bull starts from birth.
- Luyia.Western Kenya
A hyena cannot smell its own stench.
- Kalenjin (Kenya)
He who marries a real beauty is seeking trouble.
- Accra proverb, Ghana
However long the night, the dawn will break.
People know each other better on a journey.
Plaatje
IRISH
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
A silent mouth is sweet to hear.
What butter and whiskey will not cure there's no cure
for.
Its no use boiling your cabbage twice.
Keep your tongue in your jaw and your tow in your
pump.
Necessity is the mother of invention.
ENGLISH
A bad penny always turns up.
It never rains, but it pours.
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Justice delayed is justice denied.
Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.
Love is blind.
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
One good turn deserves another.
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It's about that time folks - so
thought I'd send out this reminder!!!!
OK, mosquitos... prepare to be repelled!!!!!
Use Bounce Fabric Softener Sheets...Best thing ever
used in Louisiana..just wipe on & go... Great for
Babies...
Bob, a fisherman, takes one vitamin B-1 tablet a day
April through October . He said it works. He was
right. Hasn't had a mosquito bite in 33 years. Try it.
Every one he has talked into trying it works on them.
Vitamin B-1( Thiamine Hydrochloride 100 mg.)
If you eat bananas, the mosquitos like you, -
something about the banana oil as your body processes
it. Stop eating bananas for the summer and the
mosquitos will be much less interested.
This is going to floor you, but one of the best insect repellents someone found (who is in the woods every day), is Vick's Vaporub.
Plant marigolds around the yard, the flowers give off
a smell that bugs do not like, so plant some in that
garden also to help ward off bugs without using
insecticides.
"Tough guy" Marines who spend a great deal of time
"camping out" say that the very best mosquito
repellant you can use is Avon Skin-So-Soft bath oil
mixed about half and half with alcohol.
One of the best natural insect repellants that I've
discovered is made from the clear real vanilla. This
is the pure Vanilla that is sold in Mexico. It works
great for mosquitoes and ticks, don't know about other
insects.
When all else fails--get a frog...
Fight West Nile.....pass this along to all your
friends in skeeter land!!!
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Obey.....
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. "You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage
ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the
occasion."