Viola Humor
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
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Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!'
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20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
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How To Ask A Man To Do Something
Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max. 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
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Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"Sally replied, "I want you to communicate your feelings.""Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy. "I have no idea what that means."The little girl nodded and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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"Burglar and Vicar"
A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
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CleanQuote
"Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container."
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Illustration - "Neighbors" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
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Cruise QuestionsTop Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked by Cruise Ship Passengers(by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for Royal Caribbean Cruise Line)10. Do these steps go up or down?9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?5. Does the ship make its own electricity?4. Is it salt water in the toilets?3. What elevation are we at?2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays themthe next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked,how will I know which ones are mine?1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
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"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms
without falling into her hands." --Ambrose Bierce
***
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.
***
"If I ever got divorced, on the singles scene I'd be worth
about as much as an eight-track at a garage sale."
--Robert G. Lee
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When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would
be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed
to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I
eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but
nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months
pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband
shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' in on the port
side!"
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Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and
walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored
paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a
canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to
win."
"Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals
in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if
you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts
ten dollars on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay,
but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
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Vultures With Luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they
could make the trip south, so they decided to go by
airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that
they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check
the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."