A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running.
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Totally Out of Shape"
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lobster"
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "they're really big!"
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.
"They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,
"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heart-to-Heart
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of
his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling
with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing
comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes
me miss the folks I shoot at."