Friday, October 15, 2004

hUMOR For October15th

Routine Physical

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the
basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The
nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, about six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then
takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was
tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."
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During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?"

Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors."

"Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door.

Received from CLEAN LAFFS.
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Here are some fun Tongue Twisters:

Twister Shorties: (say 'em a few times)
Greek grapes.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Unique New York. Many an anemone sees an enemy anemone.
Freshly-fried flying fish.
The epitome of femininity.
Common Twisters:
She sells seashells by the seashore.
The shells she sells are surely seashells.
So if she sells shells on the seashore,
I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers, Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, And chuck as much as a woodchuck would If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Tongue Twister Poems:
Mr. See owned a saw.
And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw.
Now, See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.
Had Soar seen See's saw
Before See sawed Soar's seesaw,
See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw.
So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.
But it was sad to see Soar so sore
just because See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw.

Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
It would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter,
That would make my batter better.
"So she bought a bit of butter -
Better than her bitter butter -
And she baked it in her batter;
And the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
Bought a bit of better butter.

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No offense to Texans, but - You Know You're from

Texas when:

You only know five spices: salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wrangler Jeans and Cowboy Boots.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside.

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on .25 percent of the page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue pit, so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Deer Season.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Texan and Yankee friends.

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Helping a Bum

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"