hUMOR For July 18th

Crash Landing

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land.

Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.

All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

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Where Did That Come From?

The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"

The young sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

"Where would you get the torpedo?"

"The same place you got your battleship!"

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Finish What You Start

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner

peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a

chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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From British Newspapers

(I'm not sure how true these are but the humor remains.....)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his
house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbor master radioed a coast guard
(member) and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the
wind had just blown his Land Rover over the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna,
ladies nd gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (...pause). Oh go on then,
stuff yourselves in like sardines, and see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

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"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give

me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

--Ron Richards

***

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more com-

fortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing

in front of other women. They say that women are too judg-

mental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

--Jay Leno

***

"At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn't know gave

me anything. Even the people I know don't give me anything."

-George Wallace

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned

about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?"

"Certainly," answered the minister, "why shouldn't I?"

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told

you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his

birth certificate 'Thomas.'

This boy I want to name Jack."

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"Tense"

An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"

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CleanQuote

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all." - Ogden Nash

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Illustration - "Courtesy"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

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Timed Medicine

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".

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You Might Be a Nurse If

- When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
- Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
- Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
- You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
- You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
- You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spagetti with lots of tomato sauce.