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A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
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Insurance Reflection
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner
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Housework
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item.
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."
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A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "Have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
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Car vs. Truck
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale...
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
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Oreo Test....
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into
their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results
of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like
Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the
5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very
same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're
very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed
limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you
get your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always
up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life.
You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You
have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so
you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You
deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the
cookie. You are good at business and take risk that
pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest
away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But
that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away
from small furry animals and seek professional medical
help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo
cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and
like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just
right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody
likes you.
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DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda
instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you
said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even
though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are
always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as
everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my
car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of
the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into
the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me
like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I
hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom,
and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst
like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and
most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll
die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't
drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't
think. He was probably at the same party as I. The
only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think
it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is
stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be
brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's
Girl" on my grave Someone should have told him, Mom,
not to drink and drive. If only they had told him,
Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very
scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed
you, you were always there. I have one last question,
Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive,
so why am I the one to die?
-Anonymous