Why Women Are Crabby
“Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar...”
We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, and had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once-flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed.
When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff-and-puff-and-beg-to-die while the
After that, it was time to raise those angel - only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
And you still wonder WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men? Men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake - being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks.
So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right.
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Redneck Men’s Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.
6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
7) Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
9) I can't find my puppy - can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench - every time I think of you my nuts tighten up.
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Separation
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two
women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats
together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man,
"Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman
from her mother, would you?"
The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry
ever since."
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Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
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Cletus
Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.
He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, 'It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'
Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.
The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, 'What do you have in it?'
He says, 'Soup, and ice cream!'
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Flies
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
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Egg-Laying
Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they'd break
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"Some public schools now will be serving sushi. Well, if
you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love
cafeteria sushi!" -Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists in
previously thought was extinct. Scientists say the dolphin
is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."
--Conan O'Brien
***
"Here is a very odd story. A woman in
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
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Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into
the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for
a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who
was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.
Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I
explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as
the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for
a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her
grades?"
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Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my
sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should
pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the
refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."