Pet Rules
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Painting
Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young
son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled
around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their
collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many
others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man
looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced
art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused
his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round
the world.
As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left
to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father
received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art
collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his
son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had
died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.
Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas
holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season
that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.
On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old
man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls
only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the
door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand.
He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your
son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a
few moments? I have something to show you."
As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had
told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine
art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you
this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to
reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never
consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young
man's face in striking detail.
Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang
the picture above the fireplace.
A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set
about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the
fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then
the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he
had been given.
During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even
though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on
because of those he had touched.
He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded
soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of
his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and
satisfaction began to ease the grief.
The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far
eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the
world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had
ever received.
The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art
world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only
son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to
the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on
Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day
soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid
on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.
Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as
many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began
with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the
painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid.
The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.
Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who
cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's
forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in
agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.
"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke.
"Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I
knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."
"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer.
After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice.
Gone." The gavel fell.
Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with
it and we can bid on these treasures!"
The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was
over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and
asked, "What do you mean it's over?
We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about
all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I
demand that you explain what's going on here!"
The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of
the father, whoever takes the son ... gets it all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and
can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?" Operator:
"Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was
on the door to the Travel Centre." Operator: "Sir, they are
our opening hours."
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have
just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back
two weeks, will I have my file back again?"
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone
number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't
understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1,
section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone
socket on the wall."
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown
Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling
in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please." Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no
listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to
be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes.
That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds
from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a
pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."