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Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase." - Henny Youngman
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CleanPun. - Ice Cream
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came around and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"
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A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"
"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!
The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"
The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
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DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a
repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest
looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had
said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching
the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time
with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any
longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
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Who's On First" -- new version
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name
of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I
thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the
new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of
the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use
a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get
me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.
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DEAD MULE
A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning
and discovered a
dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the
police referred the
preacher to the health department. They said since
there was no health
threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the
mule without
authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager
to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal
with, but the
preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to
rant and rave at
the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me
anyway? Isn't it your
job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the
Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor,! it is my job
to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"