Thursday, December 02, 2004

hUMOR For December 2nd

********************************
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"
********************************
Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's..."

Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled up in front of me.

On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words, "Yes, it is. No, I'm not."
********************************
Ax me about Ebonics.
********************************
"One cannot consent to creep when
one feels the impulse to soar."
~ Helen Keller (1880-1968)
********************************
A businessman was complaining about the recession.
"Things are so bad. Even those people who don't pay have stopped buying."
********************************
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
********************************
Some insightful statements I have received from a friend that may help us better understand the plight of professional and college athletes.

Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my ownmother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, JohnJenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm goingto graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line upalphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,then line up in a circle."Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime ofheavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock inthe morning regardless of what time it is."Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining toCoach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Walt
********************************
Say What?

In the ascertainment of an excogitation of linguistic proclivity, one might
ascribe to the mentation that a phratry exists in which some encyclopedists
designedly cultivate a nonplussed ambience hypothecated to befuddle the vox
populi.

TRANSLATION: Judging from the words some people use, you'd think they
purposely write to confuse the average person.
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
You might be a redneck if .......

a. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
b. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
c. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
d. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
e. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
f. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
g. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
h. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
i. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
j. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
k. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
l. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
m. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
n. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
o. You whistle at women in church.
p. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
q. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
r. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
s. You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
********************************
Sucker Bet

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five dollars a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes
and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
$80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to
pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic
Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
********************************
The Eleventh Commandment:
Thou shalt not committee.