It's My FuneralAs the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos."Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough."Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Longevity
At their 50th anniversary celebration, the husband was asked
the secret of their longevity.
"Well, we agreed in the beginning that if we ever got into a
fight, I would just take my hat and go for a walk. After a
while, I would return and throw my hat through the doorway.
If she threw it back, it was time to take another walk. So I
account my longevity to all the exercise I've gotten over
the years!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A new study found that screeners at L.A. International
Airport missed 75 percent of the big bombs that were sent
through the line as tests. However, they did confiscate
100 percent of people's water bottles which forced them to
buy new ones at the airport gift shop." -Jay Leno
***
"Halloween is just around the corner. I'm all set, too. I
got up early this morning and tested the electric fence."
-David Letterman
***
"Yesterday FBI agents raided a Las Vegas warehouse owned by
magician David Copperfield. They seized nearly $2 million
in cash. Apparently the entire $2 million was in quarters
Copperfield pulled out of people's ears." -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
The elderly husband and wife, both a little hard of hearing,
were watching golf on TV.
The husband turned to his wife of some 50 years and said,
"In my next life, I'm going to be rich and play all those
beautiful golf courses with their great bars and dining and
dancing areas."
The wife quickly responded, "How will you be able to manage
all that with your bad legs? You can barely walk!"
"I said, '..in my next life...,'" the husband replied.
"Oh," she said. "I thought you said, '..with my next wife!'"
+++++++++++++++++++
A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk. He
kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner
would have to drag him by his leash.
The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was just
creating for himself a bottomless pit!
+++++++++++++++++++
More New Old Sayings
- Don't byte off more than you can view. - Fax is stranger than fiction. - What boots up must come down. - Windows will never cease. - In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). - Virtual reality is its own reward. - Modulation in all things. - A user and his leisure time are soon parted. - There's no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) - Know what to expect before you connect. - Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. - Speed thrills. - Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cat Tails
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dog Cleaning
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.” “Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!” “No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Women Drivers
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
+++++++++++++++++++
Are They Cheating?Once upon a time long, long ago there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.So on a cold northern Wisconsin lake they began their contest.The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Vikings had caught 100 fish and the Packers had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Vikings had caught 200 fish and the Packers 0.That evening the Packers coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." So the next morning he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?""They sure are!" the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice."
+++++++++++++++++++
"At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy
in the head and I should be committed to a mental institu-
tion. Why do women always want us to make a commitment?"
-Unknown
***
"When you get married and have a kid, you can't do all
those things you wanted to do as a young existentialist
of seventeen or eighteen... like kill yourself." -Al Rae
***
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood
is that the first one was useless." -Nicholas Chamfort
+++++++++++++++++++
A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had
fired him. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is
one year old!"
By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was
attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart-
ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his
birth certificate.
"Father's date of birth?" she asked.
When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday
is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that
you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned
two a couple of days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my
hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband
a tie for his birthday."