After spending a wonderful week together, my fiance' dropped
me off at the airport and returned to his base. I didn't
realize how much I'd miss him until I reached the plane and
bust into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked the 'unlucky' woman seated next
to me. Between sobs, I told her the sad story of my long
distance relationship.
"If you truly love him, it will work." she said. "I know,
my ex-husband was in the Army."
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A father is in church with three of his young children, in-
cluding his five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the
children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing
the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl
was taken by this, observing that he was saying something
and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned
to her father and asked with all the innocence of a five
year old...
"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"
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Good Advice - Military Style
- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
- "Never trade luck for skill."
- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"
- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
- "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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Three Guys in Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
“So,” Peter asks the first guy, “how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“None. I had a perfect marriage.”
“Great,” says Peter. “You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“Only twice, I think,” says the second guy.
“Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“12 times. Maybe 13,” says the third guy.
“Okay,” says Peter. “You get a rusty Ford.”
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
“What’s wrong?”
“I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!”
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Comprehending the IT guy
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
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New Apartment
A property manager of an apartment complex was showing a
unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
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Weird News
Exploding toilet throws man
Richard Szymanski, 61, said he noticed steam coming from the toilet following a flush and hot water sprang from the plumbing fixture before he could stand up, propelling him a few feet into the wall of the shower, the Binghamton (N.Y.) Press & Sun-Bulletin reported.
"It was kind of hot there for a minute," said Szymanski, who added he was dizzy but uninjured after the incident.
Johnson City Fire Department Capt. Rob Jacyna said the cause of the exploding toilet appeared to be a broken hot-water line.
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Police: Dealer reported pot theft
BOCA RATON, Fla. (UPI) -- An 18-year-old was arrested after calling police to report three men robbed him under the pretense of buying marijuana, Boca Raton, Fla., authorities said.
Scott Leshner, 18, was charged with possession of hallucinogenic mushrooms, a felony, and possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor, the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.
Leshner told police three men who told him they wanted to purchase marijuana entered his home and robbed him and three of his friends. He said the armed men forced him to open his safe, and then got away with $2,000, an Apple laptop and an unknown amount of marijuana.
Police said Leshner's friends were also robbed and one suffered minor injuries from pistol-whipping.
Leshner was released on his own recognizance.