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Reasons You Should Buy a New Car
Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:
- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
- Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
- You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
- 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
- When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
- Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
- While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
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CleanQuote.
"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense." - Helen Rowland
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A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
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From the Classroom 2
Students who were at least one-quarter part of any of our nation¹s Native
American tribes could participate in Native American Culture classes. The
program was for elementary to high school students.
One of my third grade students took home the paper work for his parents to
fill out. The parents were to list the name of their family's tribe. The
next morning Joe came running excitedly into the classroom shouting and
waving his application, "Mrs. Abbott, Mrs. Abbott I found out what I am! I
am part parakeet!"
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How Fathers Were Created
When the good Lord was creating fathers, He started with a tall frame. A
female angel nearby said, "What kind of father is that? If you're going to
make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high?
He won't be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child in bed
without bending or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping. And God
smiled and said, "Yes, but if I make him childsize, who would children have
to look up to?"
And when God made a father's hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel
shook her head sadly and said, "Large hands are clumsy. They can't manage
diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on ponytails or even remove
splinters caused by baseball bats." And God smiled and said, "I know, but
they're large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his
pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child's face."
And then God molded long, slim legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly
had a heart attack. "Boy, this is the end of the week, all right," she
clucked. "Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he
going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his
legs?" And God smiled and said, "A mother needs a lap. A father needs
strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle or hold a
sleepy head on the way home from the circus."
God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever
seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. "That's not fair. Do
you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in
the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party
without crushing at least three of the guests?" And God smiled and said,
"They'll work. You'll see. They'll support a small child who wants to ride
a horse to Banbury Cross or scare off mice at the summer cabin or display
shoes that will be a challenge to fill."
God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words but a firm,
authoritive voice and eyes that saw everything but remained calm and
tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, He added tears. Then He
turned to the angel and said, "Now, are you satisfied that he can love as
much as a mother?"
The angel shutteth up.
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A few personal thoughts to close this special GCF.
Father's Day in the United States is the third Sunday in June. This year it
is June 19. In a nutshell, Father's Day was first observed in Spokane,
Washington in 1910. Over the next decade, cities across America began
celebrating a day for fathers and in 1924 President Calvin Coolidge
supported the idea of a national Father's Day. It wasn't until 1966 that
President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the
3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day. In 1972, President Richard Nixon
established a permanent national observance of Father's Day to be held on
the third Sunday of June. This came almost sixty years after Mother's Day
had been proclaimed a National day of observance.
My father passed away nearly 5 years ago, but his memory lives on in my
heart each and every day. He lived 250 miles away and on the drive back
home from visiting family, I realized that I had not gotten to shake his
hand in several months. He always believed in a firm handshake and even
after his body became frail, the firmness of his handshake remained. I also
miss his always cheery greeting of "Hi there, number one son."
GCF was suspended for a week back in August of 2000 and during that time I
received hundreds of emails from GCF subscribers. These emails contained
many kind words and thoughts conveyed to me and my family, but the words of
one person said it all in one concise sentence. I apologize to the person
who sent it because I cannot remember your name, but your words said it best:
"You are blessed to have a father who let you know, just by how he
addressed you, how much you are loved."
If your father is no longer here, remember his memory with joy. If you are
lucky enough to have your father still around, be happy with him and enjoy
the day.
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Dishwasher...
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night
away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,
eggs and toast.
However, as he was eating, John noticed a film like
substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather
asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold
water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your
meal sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you
before sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water
can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear
another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby
town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John
yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ..... "COLD
WATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
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Bits and Pieces
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her out to some place expensive... So I took her
to a gas station!!!!!!!
*****
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto
accident it makes you wonder about history. Unknown
*****
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2004 tax return & payment.Please take
note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00
for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet
seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00.Please note
the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the
"Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund
a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid
$22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)It has been
a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
*****
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said no. Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to
worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police car , an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the
burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
*****
A Kleptomaniac
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose
that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you
agree?"
The woman agreed. "Then I sentence you to six nights
in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet , addressing the judge,
"Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I
will make an exception in this case. You may approach
the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning
forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can
of peas, your honor."