!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.Received from ladyjjoke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Skunk
A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister'shousefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible mysisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sisterthatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of theoven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen andinserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She thenplacedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. Whenherserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulledoutthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my motherexclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At thereality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her thatturkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sick Husband...A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sentto thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man'swife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from seriousstress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in averyshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-freeenvironmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderfulmealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that youdon't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husbandasked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied,"Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B -- Bad News (Just a joke)Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, George W.Bush, his daily briefing. He concludes by saying,"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the president sits, head inhands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many isa brazillion?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Especially for Ken...What Language Are We Speaking Here???The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as thepreferred language for European communications, ratherthan German, which was the other possibility. As partof the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a five-year phased plan for what willbe known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example,cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What isclearly needed is a phased program of changes to ironout these anomalies. The program would, of course, beadministered by a committee staff at top level byparticipating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee wouldsuggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,sivil servants in all sities would resieve this newswith joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not onlywould this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikalworkers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekondyear, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph'would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make wordslike 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the newspelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where morekomplikated shanges are possible. Governments wouldenkourage the removal of double letters, which havealways been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e'sin the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould dropthes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothinghad hapend. By this tim it would be four years sinsthe skem began and peopl would be reseptive to stepssutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen zefunktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similararguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ofleters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventulihav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zervud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud finit ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru.