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Rules For Dealing With Women:
* The female always makes the rules.
* The rules are subject to change at any time without
prior notification.
* No male can possibly know all the rules.
* If the female suspects the male knows all the rules,
she must immediately change some or all the rules.
* The female is never wrong.
* If the female is wrong, it is due to a
misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the male did or said wrong.
* If the above applies, the male must apologize
immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
* An apology without flowers is not an apology.
* The female may change her mind at any time.
* The male must never change his mind at any time
without the expressed consent of the female.
* The male may not point out that the female has
changed her mind.
* The female has every right to be angry or upset at
any time.
* The male must remain calm at all times, unless the
female wants him to be angry or upset.
* The female must, under no circumstances, let the
male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or
upset.
* No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the
female may be blamed on PMS. This will result in
swift and extreme retribution.
* The male may not inquire if the female is angry or
upset.
* The male may not inquire when the female will be
ready.
* The male is expected to mind-read at all times.
* Any attempt to document these rules may result in
bodily harm or death to the male.
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Cafeteria Food
When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children
something, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of
peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At
last -- a home cooked meal!"
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Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
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Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.
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CleanQuote.
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." - Bruce Baum
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Pastoring
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.
He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.
A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said," Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug" I guess you must be a sheep dog."